


Clearance on Aisle 11

by Missy



Category: Army of Darkness (1992), Evil Dead (Movies), Evil Dead - All Media Types
Genre: Babysitting, Demons, Gen, Humor, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 03:26:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash babysits his colleague’s child; but it takes him awhile to figure out how to  entertain the cranky infant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clearance on Aisle 11

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Trope Bingo, "Kid Fic" square.

“No no, kid. No playing with Buzz.” There’s a whiny squeal as the Lego collides with Ash’s chin. “OW.” With a frown, he rubs the injured spot and glares at the child in his arms. “Quit being a baby.”

The baby’s response is completely predictable- she just frowns and then lets out a childish string of babble. It’s easy to ask the impossible of somebody far younger than you – easy to be critical of someone under your temporary guardianship. 

“Right,” he grumbled, tucking the baby closer to his side. “Forgot, you are one.” Only he hadn’t, really – he’d just been washed away on a wave of screaming frustration for a moment. 

He takes a deep breath and pulls the cranky child against his chest. “Look,” he coos in a menacing sing-song tone, “the Super Automatic Margarita Machine!” And he pats the red surface of its gleaming top with his free hand. “It costs a slim Forty three dollars. Retails for much more at the buy-lo across the street. Made of fine aluminum and well-polished chrome, with self-freezing compartments.”

The baby makes an awkward grab for the machine, and Ash has to pull away and settle it gently against his shoulder again. “Look, don’t touch.” Another whiny complaint. He continues walking down the aisle, then back up it – motion seems to satisfy her, as does his gentle bouncing. Under his breath, he mutters, “Where the hell is your dad?”

Tony had left work early to pick up his wife from a doctor’s appointment. He’d passed the baby off to Ash without doing more than handing him the diaper bag and insisting he’d be back in a couple of minutes. Those minutes have stretched out into hours, and Ash has run out of ways to do his job while keeping the baby busy. 

“Look,” he said, trying to sound more enticing and more gentle in his persuasion. “A snowcone machine. Want some? Do you have teeth?” He glanced at the baby’s mouth, which was now gumming his metal hand enthusiastically. When he tried to pull it free, he received an ear-piercing shriek. “Okay, so no taking my hand back.” As an afterthought, he added under his breath, “sorry, Mr. Righty.” 

Again, he points out the tricks of his trade to the child; plates and forks, and hot dog machines. A new ice cream maker and a bunch of pretty tea towels all set to be sold.

Ah keeps up the litany of items as he goes. “Lookit the nice toaster, and the nice ice shaver and the nice…” a dripping, grinning head had jammed itself onto the shelf, having pushed aside several containers of Earl Gray to gain a foothold. “Deadi-eeet!” The creature flung a shelf at him, reaching out for the infant.

“A sweet fresh soul,” it growled, and reached through the mingled tings toward the baby.

Ash tried to hold the child away and aloft as he reached for his holster, but the demon was quicker than his fingers and landed a (lucky, in Ash’s astute opinion) right claw to his temple. Ash staggered backward into a pile of half-off cookie mixes, accidentally launching the baby into the air in his flailing. 

The Deadite was right in his face, pointing a bony finger in his face. “I’ll swallow your soul, Promised one!”

“Get a manicure,” he snapped. A backflip got him on his feet and behind the demon – and with one smooth movement he caught the baby in an extended arm. 

“Hey hey! We can talk about it hey!”

“Shut it,” growled Ash, eliminating the Deadite bit by bit, limb by limb.

When the incident was over, he finally hazarded a glance at the baby.

She giggled her approval and clapped her hands.

“Yeah. Now I’ll miss ya when you’re gone.”

*** 

Tony never asked Ash what went down that afternoon when he came to collect his daughter. And Ash didn’t push him for a reaction.

Then again, the stains on Ash’s uniform told the whole story.

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction uses characters from **Evil Dead Trilogy** , all of whom are the property of **Renaissance Pictures**. No money was gained from the writing of this fanfiction and all are used under the strictures of of the Berne Convention.


End file.
